So called ‘Little Rocket Man’ and his equally deranged oppo’ in Washington may claim to possess the biggest nuclear button going (and in the closest proximity) but in truth, there is no button.

Because of its obsessive secrecy, it’s tricky to know DPRK launch protocol but Americans are more open about how they’d go about starting Armageddon – arguably a little too honest you could say.

Currently, the ‘Commander in Chief’ has sole executive jurisdiction over launching 800 land and submarine based mega fireworks (although this explicit autonomy is the subject of debate in The Senate currently – mere coincidence given who’s sat in The Oval Office you may say?).

Americans love reducing formality to a nickname – think ‘The Beast’ for the heavily armoured presidential limousine. So keeping in that vein, The President carries a series of nuclear codes in an attaché (brief) case called ‘the football’ and to access that case, there is a chip or ‘biscuit’ containing a code to open said case. These codes then check out with The Pentagon defence facility and confirm the identity of The POTUS himself.

All very orderly, sobering stuff you’d think. Hmmmm, not so.

Turns out that one of Bill Clinton’s closest aides lost ‘the biscuit’. Yep. The codes to the case containing the world’s biggest nuclear arsenal went missing and this f-up was only revealed very recently.

These things happen you might say; Never again….learn the hard way huh? My bad…. so sorry.

Well not quite.

Rumour has it that Jimmy Carter left his ‘biscuit’ in a suit that went to the dry cleaners.

Agencies – just like administrations – like to boast about the size and might of their weaponry. Time for a more grown up conversation?

The claims come as thick and fast as a terrified Korean flunky scribbling in his notebook. Best codes of practice, who is able to deliver the biggest impact, who can scramble it the quickest and ultimately, who will target the biggest chunk of civilisation thanks to the most strategically calibrated borehead….sorry warhead.

But you know what, why not ditch all the sabre rattling propaganda, fake news and chest beating by entering talks with One Black Bear?

‘More jaw jaw than war war’ as Churchill sagely put it.

We think through very clever resolutions to complex problems by making massive bangs for often modest bucks. Get round the table with us and you’ll find us refreshingly disarming.

We’ll even throw in some presidential standard biscuits with your cuppa.